Why you should go No Contact after a breakup (and how to make it easier)
I don’t know the details of your breakup… Maybe you wanted it to happen, or maybe not. Maybe it was due to reconcilable problems, or maybe you never want to seem them again. For many people, there’s at least some period of time after or during a breakup when they question the decision and start to wonder if they’ll get back together with their ex.
Whether you are the one who did the breaking, or you are the one who was broken up with: either way, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Breakups are some of the most heartbreaking relational events, especially if you have been together for years because you go from a solid connection, daily rituals, shared meaning, to suddenly not being allowed to talk to each other?? What??? It’s a complete 180 in functioning, and it can be devastating. No wonder so many people get new haircuts after breakups! Their world has been turned upside down, and they’re looking for an external representation of their inner experience.
But if after an initial period of grief, you search your soul and see that breaking up is a really good thing to have happened (or if you don’t see it as a good thing, but you’ve reached acceptance that it did actually happen so you might as well start the healing process), there is nothing more helpful that I can suggest than to cut off communication with your ex. Completely.
Before you freak out, this doesn’t need to be a forever thing. Anything is scary if we think that we have to do it forever, so let’s just talk about today.
Go No Contact… today. Just make it through today. That seems a little easier already, right?
When we think about events that touch on our anxieties or traumas (such as a partner leaving you, possibly triggering an abandonment or attachment wound), it’s sometimes human nature to catastrophize the situation and make it worse than it already is. Our brain does this to prepare us for the “inevitable disaster” that is coming our way so that we can “fight” whatever danger lies ahead.
But this is unnecessary. There’s no danger ahead. The “danger” (the breakup) is past. And even if there is more heartbreak to come, you cannot predict the future. There’s no point in thinking about the horrors that lie ahead. Unless you are planning a week-long family trip to Disneyworld, trying to prepare yourself for emotional turbulence by considering the worst-case scenario is likely only going to add anxiety and fear to your plate, which will make your experience worse, not better.
So, now that we’ve addressed how to stop fearing the outcome if you stop talking to your ex (and why you should stop thinking “what if I never talk to them again?”), let’s talk about why it’s helpful to cut off contact – for any amount of time.
If you stay in touch with your ex, then every single time you talk it’s going to activate the same feel-good chemicals that it did when y’all were together. You’re going to continue feeling connected to them. You’re going to wonder, “why are we even broken up if we still talk?” “What even is our relationship to each other now?” You already don’t enjoy the breakup, so why would maintaining a connection make you want to stay broken up?
I can hear you saying, “It wouldn’t make me want to, and I don’t want to stay broken up, which is why I’m maintaining contact.” But to that I say, why would you try to force a relationship with someone who broke up with you? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t fully want to be with you? (These are questions we can discuss in therapy. There are layers to these answers.)
That’s some solid logic, so then why do people stay in touch with their exes? Many reasons:
They still value each other's friendship.
They may have mutual friends, inside jokes, or common interests to talk about.
Everything makes you think of them, so you want to send a picture or text when they cross your mind.
They may be trying to tie up loose ends or find closure through discussing the relationship or the reasons for the breakup itself.
You may have come to rely on this person for emotional support.
You need advice on things that the other person is good at.
You might even share responsibilities or obligations like children, a mortgage, or a business.
And finally, you hope that keeping in touch will bring you two back together. Why start from scratch when we could potentially fix our issues?
Any of these can make it extremely difficult to go No Contact. I just want to validate that for you.
But.
Think about each one of these, and phrase it as a need. What are you needing from your ex when you try to achieve any of the above? (ex: “I need to tell them about this thing I just saw,” or “I need them to respond to my text,” or “I need them to compliment me and be my friend.”)
Is it possible that you can get these needs met from someone other than your ex? Can you possibly even meet them by yourself?
This is the subtle mindset shift we are looking for. You need to stop talking to your ex to show yourself that they are not the most important person in your life, and that you can live without them. You can live without them in all the ways: emotionally, sexually, financially, logistically, etc. But you won’t be able to discover that until you stop seeking them out to meet your needs.
So start today. Then tack on another day. Then a week. Then two weeks. You get it. Start small, and soon, time will do its magic as it always does, and then you’ll be able to move on completely. Or, maybe you can even be friends.