How can I ask my partner for something that I need?
Many couples struggle to express their needs to their partner.
They worry about sounding too needy or not being able to explain their needs effectively.
They also worry that their partner will reject them or decline their request. So they just sweep their needs under the rug.
But shutting down your own needs in favor of “keeping the peace” is not helpful to anyone.
When you do this, your needs just continue to go unmet, and your partner might continue acting in a way that unknowingly harms the relationship.
So what can you do?
You can practice expressing your needs to your partner by using a structured approach, based on self-reflection and direct communication, until it becomes more natural to you.
The approach I’m about to describe is called “nonviolent communication,” a technique from psychologist Marshall Rosenberg.
Let me walk you through it!
Identify the following, in order:
An observable behavior that makes you feel some type of way (an irrefutable thing that happened, not a story in your head)
How you feel in response to it (which is valid, even if it wasn’t your partner’s intent to make you feel that way)
What you need in response to that feeling (you may have several needs)
A request you’d like to make from your partner, due to the need you have (basically, what do you want to happen now?)
BONUS: A self-soothing technique to implement (because your partner should not be expected to manage your emotions for you)
IMPORTANT: Remember to leave room for potential misunderstanding/miscommunication to have occurred. Nowhere in this structure does it say “jump to conclusions!” Yes, your feelings and needs are valid and okay to have, but they might also be based on an incorrect story you are making in your head. Honor what comes up for you, and communicate it with an open mind, but be prepared for your partner to have a totally different perspective that is equally valid and worth hearing.
Example:
Your partner didn’t put the pan in the sink, and now it’s all crusty
You felt annoyed, dismissed, grossed out, and taken for granted
You need reassurance that your partner will help around the house and you need to feel less stressed
You’d like to have a discussion about cleanliness habits so that you are both on the same page
BONUS: You decide to take a relaxing bath tonight to relieve some of the stress you’re clearly under, because you know that this event was way more activating than maybe it should’ve been.
The more you practice this process, the easier and more natural it becomes.
Some pitfalls that people encounter when they are first starting to implement nonviolent communication methods of making requests are that they:
have trouble identifying their feelings
can’t slow down their emotions enough to have a peaceful conversation
don’t know which “observable behavior” started the process
are unable to identify what needs and requests they have - all they know is that they’re unhappy!
I can help you with the first 3 in therapy. :)
For the final one on that list, here are some common needs that you might have in a relationship, based on things that you value having in a partnership:
Common Needs in Relationships:
Space/alone time
Connection/intimacy/to feel loved
Clarity/communication
Appreciation/acknowledgement
Help/support
Trust/honesty/belief, loyalty
Understanding/awareness
Comfort/empathy/reassurance
Fun/playfulness
To feel a specific feeling
Can you think of any others that I‘ve missed?
A final note about making requests of your partner:
Requests are not demands. Remember to be reasonable and respectful of your partner’s autonomy.
There are some things that your partner might not be willing to do, maybe because of their own conflicting needs, their values, their own ability, the time available to them, or any other reason. It wouldn’t be reasonable to say “I need you to stop what you’re doing every single time I text you” or “I need you to quit your job right now.” Right??
This is where compromise, boundaries, and choice come in to play.
Your partner is not there to meet every single one of your needs, so you might have to play around with the request until it works for both of you. When in doubt, or when your partner is unable to meet your request, return to the feeling that you’re having, and see how else you might be able to get your needs met.
Your feelings and needs matter just as much as your partner’s needs and feelings matter! (And vice versa!) ;)
Sometimes an honest conversation where everyone feels heard and understood (followed by a little bit of effort from everyone) is all it takes! Connection is the name of the game.