Here’s how stress impacts your desire for sex

We’ve all been there…

Your car was making weird noises on the way home, the dog needs to be walked, you have no idea what you’re going to make for dinner, and you can’t stop thinking about the comment your boss made earlier about “cutting back at the end of the quarter.” What did that even mean?

Also, you just stubbed your toe on the coffee table. Of course!!

UGH. You are s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d out.

Your partner lovingly rubs your shoulders and kisses your neck suggestively, and you know that any other time you might actually be getting turned on by their touch. But today? Nothing.

You can’t help but wonder, “Where’s my usual desire for sex? Is there something wrong with me?”

Allow me to validate you: No, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just stressed!

And it makes complete sense that you wouldn’t want to have sex or even think about it right now.

Why stress and sex don’t mix well

When you are stressed – whether from situational events, threats of danger, or psychological anxieties – your body goes into a heightened state of alertness, also known as “fight or flight” mode, to protect yourself from harm: You are flooded with cortisol, your heart rate increases, your muscles get tense, your blood pressure increases, digestion stops... It’s not exactly a relaxing state to be in.

Sexual activities happen most effectively when we are in “rest and digest” or “feed and breed” mode (which is decidedly NOT the same as “fight or flight” mode), so when you are stressed, your brain is really not primed to thrive in a sexual scenario.

Sure, it’s still possible to have sex when you’re stressed – depending on the level of stress, you may be able to compartmentalize your stress and enjoy yourself, and sex can certainly be a great stress-reliever – but typically, sex is literally the last thing on your mind during times of stress. (Hello, holiday season!)

If you go too long without addressing and reducing the various stress factors in your life, chronic stress could impact your sex life in several ways:

REDUCED LIBIDO: As mentioned above, if you are stressed, your brain is thinking of everything EXCEPT sex. You just have other things on your mind, so it’s only natural that your interest in sex will decrease, as your energy is being used elsewhere and you aren’t mentally nurturing your sex drive.

PROBLEMS GETTING OR MAINTAINING ERECTIONS: The biggest sex organ in your body is your brain. This is why a lot of people find value in receiving therapy for sexual dysfunction: If you are preoccupied or anxious about something in your life, this can affect blood flow and performance – potentially leading to concerns for penis-owners in the form of erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, etc.

VAGINAL DRYNESS: As stress hormones go up, sex hormones go down. Your natural lubrication or wetness goes right along with that. In addition, when we are stressed, we are at greater risk for neglecting our needs, such as hydration, which also helps our body do its thing.

RELATIONAL CONFLICTS: In the all-too-familiar scenario at the beginning of this article, where you’re struggling to manage chores, obligations, and relationships at the same time, it’s obvious that you might run into some conflict when stressed. We’ve all had moments where we snipe at loved ones in stressful moments or say things that we regret. This can lead to a lack of desire for sex. Additionally, you’ll be missing out on the opportunity to co-regulate through sexual intimacy, which could possibly perpetuate your problems.

TROUBLE HAVING AN ORGASM: Ah, the power of a good climax. While orgasms don’t necessarily have to be considered the “main event,” they are certainly popular, and for good reason: They boost feel-good hormones in the body, help you feel closer to your partner, and give you a sense of relief and release. If you are “fight or flight” mode, your stress hormones can have a severe impact on whether you are relaxed enough to reach orgasm.

“Okay okay, I get it,” I hear you saying, “Sex is important, and stress can affect my sex life. But life is extremely stressful. It’s hard not to be stressed these days! How can we deal with this, realistically?”

Here are some tips for how to cope with simultaneously experiencing stress and also maintaining a desire for sex:

PRACTICE MINDFULNESS AND RELAXATION TECHNIQUES: You’ve heard this before. Focus on your breath, come back into your body, be present in the moment, listen to some waterfall ambiance. Whatever it takes. Activate your parasympathetic nervous system (“rest and digest”/”feed and breed”) by bringing your body back to a state of calm.

JOURNAL: Don’t keep that stress packed inside your head. Get it out onto paper, dump it into a digital document, or even transcribe your thoughts into the Voice Memo app on your phone. It’s very likely that you will either come to a realization about your issues or, at the very least, feel a little lighter after venting your thoughts and concerns.

MOVE YOUR BODY: Don’t keep that stress packed inside your body, either. Jump around, go on a walk, stretch, take a class, lift some weights… Do what you gotta do to physically move the energy from within to with-out.

EMPHASIZE SELF-CARE: Stressful times can make us forget to take care of ourselves, so here’s your reminder: Eat nourishing foods, watch a comforting movie, indulge in a bath if you like baths, lie under a really soft blanket… Give those feel-good hormones a jump-start. You deserve to feel good.

COMMUNICATE AND DELEGATE: Some people truly do thrive under pressure, but that doesn’t mean that you always have to be the one to do everything yourself. Try to release some expectations and give other people the opportunity to assist you, so that you don’t have to be quite as stressed. In the name of self-love and sexual desire, share your stress with a loved one and see if they can either take something off your plate or simply lend a listening ear.

MASTURBATE: Sex is truly a health-promoting activity, and a lack of it could lead to increased amounts of stress! Getting it somewhere could alleviate some of the problem. So if you can’t find it within you to have or want sex with your partner, perhaps you can have sex with yourself!

TRY OTHER FORMS OF INTIMACY: On that note, even if partnered sex is off the table right now, that doesn’t mean that cuddling, dancing, doing a crossword together, holding hands, or going on a neighborhood walk together are all off the table. Bonus: Engaging in non-sexual intimate activities could spark a desire for sexual intimacy.

TRY THERAPY: You knew I was gonna suggest this one. I’m here for you if you need someone to talk to about your specific issues!

Lastly, let’s get to the real heart of the matter here. You might be wondering, “Why should I even care about something as “unnecessary” as sex when my world feels like it’s caving in?”

Well, I’d like to challenge the notion that sex is an “optional accessory” in life.

Sex is an under-studied and stigma-stymied topic of research, yet a very beneficial part of a healthy lifestyle.

It is a pro-social and pro-health behavior that helps you form closer relationships and boosts indicators of wellness. And you can benefit from it whether you are partnered or not, so it’s available to everyone.

If done correctly and appropriately (with consent, safety, and education), sex can be one of the best parts of life. And that’s something to take seriously, just like managing your stress.