Cis-Het Women: 4 steps for getting more pleasure out of sex
Let’s address the “heterosexual script” for sex.
The heterosexual script for sex is an unspoken, bogus agreement that says:
When a man and woman have sex, sex is over when the man ejaculates. If the woman has not had an orgasm prior to the man, then she won’t be having an orgasm.
Sounds messed up, right?
But it’s really true: For cisgendered women in heterosexual relationships, her pleasure isn’t always prioritized.
After all… once a man ejaculates, the penis gets soft! What’s a guy to do now?? There’s no other way to have sex than penis-vagina intercourse!!!
~explodes from sarcasm~
The problem, I’d like to assert, is not that heterosexual men don’t *want* to please the ladies, but that every party involved has sort of tacitly agreed that “if it doesn’t happen before the guy comes, then it won’t happen” or “each partner is responsible for their own orgasm, so if it doesn’t happen then only they are to blame.”
(If you are reading this as a queer person who prioritizes everyone in the sexual relationship’s pleasure, and you’re saying, “damn that sucks,” – you’re right!)
So we have to fix the part where “every party involved has tacitly agreed to this.”
Enter: Self-advocacy.
Self-advocacy is the act of standing up for your own wellbeing.
In this case, it means fighting for your right to have an orgasm – regardless of whether it’s before or after your sex partner.
Advocating for yourself and for your pleasure is not an inherent ability that we all have, though.
It’s something you learn. It requires the following:
Awareness of your own needs
Courage
Self-esteem*
Knowledge of your options**
Communication skills
Assertiveness
Helpful Bonus: Sense of safety and support***
* Valuing yourself, which can be strengthened through self-care practice
** To gain knowledge of your options, you need to step outside any preconceived notions or limiting beliefs that you may have formed. You’ll need to learn and try new things. You can’t advocate for something that you don’t know exists, so it’s helpful to know what you like and what’s even within the realm of possibilities.
*** This could come from your partner, or an outside ally like a friend or perhaps a friendly sex therapist! ~wink wink~
I would advocate for you if I could, but I can’t be there in the bedroom with you, hovering over you and your partner like a sex owl, hooting things like “everyone who wants an orgasm gets an orgasm” or “listen to her when she says to keep going just like that” or “how about a little more foreplay here…”
It would be SUPER inappropriate (and creepy) if I did that.
Also it would disempower you, and I’m not here for that.
I’m here to empower you to speak up for your needs.
To understand that you have needs and it’s okay to have needs in the first place.
To believe that your needs matter.
I want you to be the squeaky wheel* that gets the grease**!
* self-empowered woman
** delicious orgasm
So, if you’ll go with me for a second, let’s talk about how you can advocate for yourself and your own pleasure:
First, how can you advocate for yourself if you don’t know yourself? That’s the first step.
REFLECT ON YOUR OWN NEEDS/DESIRES
Think about what you actually want: Do you want an orgasm every time you have sex? Do you want intimacy and cuddling? Do you want oral every time? Do you want to feel admired when you get naked with your partner(s)? What do you want to feel: Satisfied? Dirty? Lusted after? Tortured? (hey, we’re kink-positive here) Whatever you want – I want you to be sure of it and be honest with yourself about it. Determine what you’re craving, and then cement it in your mind so that you can start bringing it to life.
Next, you gotta believe that these needs/desires are important and worthy of being achieved.
ADDRESS YOUR BELIEFS ABOUT WORTH
This step unfortunately might take some time. If you have spent many years pushing your needs aside, it might take some time to overcome the wiring in your brain that tells you either that 1) you’re not worth it, or 2) your needs aren’t important. Could be a combo platter of both. If you continue believing that it’s not really a priority to receive pleasure, then you’re going to continue down the path that you’re on. Something’s gotta give! Reach out and ask for help if you’re not sure how to change your limiting beliefs here.
Then, you’ll need to find the courage to flip the script.
BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO CHANGE
We’re almost to the part where you’re going to speak up about your needs, but before we get there we have to talk about courage and bravery. It takes guts to speak your mind, it really does! When you’re afraid of rocking the boat or when you’re used to just going along with other people’s needs, it’s waaaay easier just to follow someone else’s lead because then at least you know they’ll be happy and you can just adapt to their mood, right?? No! No longer. Your mood and needs matter as well, and you’re finally going to stand on your own two feet here and ask for what you want. Do some power poses, repeat some self-affirmations in the mirror, call yourself a badass, do whatever it takes to find the courage within you, and…
Finally, use your words and refuse to participate in the norm.
COMMUNICATE AND ENFORCE YOUR NEEDS/DESIRES
I know, it sounds a little harsh to “enforce” something with a sexual partner. I don’t mean to imply that you need to be strict or tough about it or to use actual “force.” You do need to be a little assertive about it though. Being assertive about your needs can be sexy, it can show confidence, and it can even be a turn-on when implemented properly. The point is, you’ll need to stand up for yourself, ask for what you want, and be bold enough to see the plan through. If you’re not sure or if you “don’t really care enough,” then it’s likely that it won’t happen. Care enough to see it through! You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how far you can go when you try it.
Following these steps will ensure that “all partners leave satisfied” — whatever that looks like for you!
You may not even need or want an orgasm every time; that’s fine, and I’m not here to tell you what “satisfaction” or “fulfillment” looks like for you. (That’s back in Step 1 – you determine this for yourself.)
But the point is that I never want you to leave a sexual scenario feeling like you missed out on something that could’ve been great.
Yes it’s true that sex won’t always be greatamazingfantasticorgasmic!!!
And it really doesn’t have to be.
But I at least want you to understand that there doesn’t have to be this implied “heterosexual script” for pleasure that has existed for centuries, wherein the men take precedence when it comes to pleasure.
No longer! We want this to be an equal-opportunity excursion.
Women deserve pleasure. You deserve pleasure. Go out and seek it!
If you struggle with self-advocacy or with any of the skills and steps listed above in the process, feel free to reach out if you’d like to work on improving them together!