How to decide whether to break up or stay together
This is such a common struggle for people in romantic relationships.
“I don’t know if I should leave or try to make it work.”
If you’re torn between whether to stay together or to break up, this decision is very likely the main thing on your mind these days…
It’s the thought that keeps you up at night, that distracts you at work, that you’re googling articles about it (hi!), that you’re talking your friends’ ears off about… it might even be a frequent discussion or point of contention between you and your partner… and it can be maddening.
“I wish someone would just tell me what to do! Do we break up or not?? Will I be happy? Can I be happy if I stay? What’s the best choice??”
I don’t have a Crystal Ball (or even a Magic 8 Ball) for you, and even if I was your therapist, I couldn’t exactly tell you what to do because only you know the best decision for you.
But.
What I might ask you is: Which of these slightly nuanced sentences do you lean towards more?
“I want to stay, but I also want to break up” vs. “I don’t want to stay, but I also don’t want to break up”
There’s an important difference between these.
The latter has lost some hope.
It says, “I hate this situation, but I’m also afraid that I’ll find nothing better. Why bother.”
Chances are that if this is you, you’re having a lot of fights with your partner.
The first sentence is much more hopeful.
You’re torn because you don’t want to make the wrong decision, but it would (probably) ultimately be okay if you stayed or if you left.
Chances are that if this is you, you’re having a lot of tearful moments with your partner.
The GOAL, of course, is to get to a place where you KNOW in your heart, gut, mind, and soul what you want to do.
Something you might need to accept is that there might always be doubt about whether to stay or leave (because uncertainty is a cruel mistress of the human experience), but if you feel deep down that you’ve made the right decision, you’ll have a relatively easy time working through it and experiencing your feelings as they evolve….
…So how do you get to a place where you’re not mulling over two difficult options and you’ve decided?
If you’re in the “don’t want/don’t want” camp, that means that you don’t want either solution so you’re probably not going to be happy with your decision, even after you make it, which is why you’re feeling so torn.
So, to get to a place of peace with your decision if you’re part of this camp (the 2nd sentence), you have to figure out how to turn one of those “don’t wants” into a WANT. This involves some mental work like with reframing your thoughts, acknowledging attachment theory issues, and addressing any cognitive distortions or limiting beliefs you may have about the relationship.
If you can make peace with the reasons you don’t want to stay OR you can work on your fears of leaving, you might be able to alchemize your “don’t wants” into “wants.”
For example:
I don’t want to stay because: —> How I can make peace with this:
They don’t have great hygiene —> We can have a conversation about it / I can buy them a new toothbrush
I have a crush on someone else —> It’s normal to have crushes outside the relationship / I can own up to it and we can talk about what is considered “cheating”
They never listen to me —> We can try couples counseling / I can explain how this habit hurts me
I don’t want to leave because: —> How I can eradicate this fear:
I’m scared I won’t find someone else —> I can remember all the times I’ve found someone else / I can ask my friends to set me up with someone new
I have made so many good memories with them —> Just because we break up doesn’t mean we can’t still cherish the mems
I know that I’ll be so sad and lonely —> I can lean on friends or therapy / I can feel these feelings and ALSO feel the feeling of relief that comes from ending a relationship that no longer works
To recap, if you’re feeling the 2nd sentence (“I don’t want/I don’t want”), the above are just a few ways of trying to turn ONE of the “don’t wants” into a “want,” so that your new sentence is “I don’t want/I do want,” which would make the decision a lot more clear.
Now.
What if you’re in the want/want category?
You’re still questioning something.
You still kinda WANT to leave.
You didn’t ALWAYS feel this way, or you would’ve never gotten together. (Who wants to leave right when they start a relationship?) Things happen over time. You begin to see your partner’s flaws, you meet other shiny people, maybe you even change a little bit, and suddenly BAM you’re lying in bed next to your partner wishing you could rip their vocal cords out because they’re freaking snoring again.
(Wow, you’re a little aggressive huh?)
So how and when did this new Want (I want to break up) come along? Try to consider what’s so appealing to you about it…
The questions in this case are:
Does my desire to stay outweigh the desire to leave? (What does the pro/con list look like?)
Do I have any fears of leaving? (And do they justify the decision to stay?)
What am I getting out of this relationship? (Or what would I get if I left?)
Ultimately, remember that relationships are a CHOICE.
Relationships should improve and amplify your life!
You are whole and complete as a person without being in a romantic relationship, so if it’s causing you more trouble than good, then you might really want to consider why you are allowing it to be a part of your life.
If your relationship doesn’t make your life better, then you can change the terms of the relationship.
This doesn’t mean you have to immediately kick that person out of your life (though it will probably help to at least create some space between you if you do breakup and still want to be in each other’s lives), but hopefully you at least have a better idea of whether to stay together as a couple or to break up.
Let me know if this helped at all! Always here if you’d like to talk more about your situation.