The most underrated treatment for vulvodynia
If you have frequent pain around your vagina and/or vulva, and you haven’t read my primer on genito-pelvic pain disorder, go do that first. Then, if you think you might have vulvodynia, come back here to read some tips on how to treat it!
Wait, let’s back up again. What’s vulvodynia?
Vulvodynia is a general term for pain, burning, tenderness, redness, or stinging, that is localized either around the vestibule (just outside the vagina) or the vulvar area (basically anywhere down there), and is caused by either touch, pressure, friction, sex, or different times during your cycle.
And it’s SoOoOo FUN!! :) :)
Many people who suffer from vulvodynia might feel helpless about their condition, as it’s not really discussed much on the internet, it’s a pretty rare condition, and it’s still considered a little taboo to talk about the times when sex might hurt.
Sex should actually never hurt!
If you suffer from vulvodynia, you might find that hard to believe or imagine. You might be like, “Bro, the only thing sex DOES is hurt!!”
And to that I say: It doesn’t have to be this way!!
I treat clients who present with vulvodynia (and a number of other “painful sex”-related conditions found among women and vulva-owners) by applying psychotherapeutic techniques inside the therapy room, and teaching some skills that can be used outside the therapy room.
Research has studied the efficacy of several interventions for treating vulvodynia, and I’d like to highlight perhaps the most overlooked one, which also happens to be my favorite one:
VALIDATION
(And this has nothing to do with bringing in your parking ticket and scanning it under a red light for free parking.)
Validation is the act of giving or receiving affirmation and recognition of your feelings/emotions/experiences as “valid,” or true and worthwhile.
It’s a very powerful tool through which you can start to believe that your experience matters and holds some weight in this world.
You can receive validation from others and also from yourself for it to be effective.
You might wonder, “How is it that something so simple could really help me all that much? Don’t I need, like, medications or lasers or a time machine or something extra to heal this shit? It’s painful as hell, and I don’t see how someone validating my pain will help in any substantial way.”
>> It IS painful as hell. And it’s unfair, isn’t it? And you shouldn’t have to experience that, and I’m so sorry that you do.
Pssst… That was me validating you!! It didn’t cure anyone of vulvodynia (did it?), but I imagine that it felt nice to hear, and might have encouraged you to continue down your path of searching for a solution.
It’s important to validate your painful sex experience and your potential pain disorder diagnosis, so that you will be emotionally equipped to seek the treatment you need.
Validation and feeling validated is as simple as:
Being listened to. Someone caring. Being believed. Not being dismissed. Having a seat in the conversation.
One of the most frustrating parts of my clients’ journeys is having to advocate for themselves endlessly, with sometimes little support – even from doctors, who may or may not be fully aware of their patients’ experience or struggle.
Too many times, people with vulvodynia (or any number of other medical conditions that are dismissed due to lack of clinical research) will not continue their battle after feeling dismissed in a clinical setting, being told that they’re out of options or that they’re “making it up,” when all they are wanting is a pain-free experience.
It takes courage, resilience, determination, and stamina to continue in the fight against invisible illnesses, such as vulvodynia.
Feeling validated is one more tool in your toolbox. You deserve to feel heard and seen, to have someone else witness your pain.
IN FACT!!
There was a 2023 study in the Netherlands that looked at the communication styles of couples where one of the partners experienced vulvodynia.
The study found that when the partner of the vulva-owner or woman with vulvodynia was less empathetic or understanding of the pain and needs of the partner with vulvodynia, the partner’s pain would increase in intensity (ouch!) and their sexual functioning would decrease (boo!).
Additionally, the vulva-owners with partners who were more validating of their experience and pain were more likely to self-disclose about their sexual experience (which leads to better diagnostic treatment!).
All in all, I’d say that receiving validation for your situation, regardless of what it is, is extremely important.
I am of course biased because I’m literally a professional validator, but I stand by that.
Other important steps in treating and potentially curing your vulvodynia are:
*Psychoeducation: Learn what it is and is not
Medical Intervention: Such as pelvic floor therapy, using a dilator, collaborate integrative medicine with a gynecologist and even a dermatologist (as some vulvar pain conditions exist at the same time as vulvar skin conditions)
*Brain Exploration: Uncover any hidden or unconscious beliefs/fears/thoughts about sex and/or penetration, discover the genesis of the pain, address trauma, try couples therapy to address relational dynamics
Skills and Habits: Mindfulness/relaxation, body image/dance/affirmations/art, speaking up for needs, gentle self-touch, increasing sexual pleasure in places that don’t hurt, intimate homework assigned by therapist*
*Try to separate yourself and your worth from the pain itself: We call this externalizing and it’s something we can work on together in therapy
Work on your relationship outside of just sex:
non-sexual affection for creative ways to maintain intimacy
building trust for a more secure attachment
fostering friendship to deepen the bond
Communicate: Lean on your partner for support, and don’t be afraid to explain your (valid!) situation
*All of these can be provided by me in the therapy room!
I hope some of that helps you where you are in your journey with vulvodynia!
Contact me if you’d like to work together, receive some validation, or schedule a free consultation to see if we’re a good fit.