Is it lovebombing or just an exciting beginning of a healthy relationship?
When you first start dating someone, and when you reeeally like them (and they apparently really like you back), it can be a little confusing sometimes whether the affection and attention you are receiving is genuine or not.
If you’re unfamiliar with the term lovebombing, it’s a bit of a pop psychology term that refers to when someone pulls you into a relationship quickly through means of fancy dates, excessive praise/flattery, and obsession-level attention, or anything that feels too good to be true.
Some articles might suggest that this is the work of a manipulator, and if we are to put labels on this type of behavior, then sure; I guess it could be seen as manipulative. But I’m not convinced that lovebombers do it maliciously or even know when they’re lovebombing. I personally believe that it’s really just a strategy that some people use to secure themselves a relationship or to avoid negative feelings when they don’t have any other tools for doing so.
Nonetheless, it’s important and useful for everyone to ensure that they are entering into relationships with all the information and as healthy a start as possible (to avoid falling too quickly for someone who may not be a good match for you).
It can be SO tricky to tell whether someone is lovebombing you or if they’re just a really great match who can’t help but make you feel good. In my view, lovebombing is when someone creates a sense of closeness and connection through lavish gestures and phrases, when there is actually no real closeness and connection being created otherwise.
On the flip side, a healthy and steadily building bond (not lovebombing) is when you feel a genuine sense of intimacy that's being created through things like:
them asking personal questions
remembering little facts about you
reaching out to check on you in a meaningful way (not just to check off that box for the day)
making an effort to do something that you specifically would appreciate
AND through them sharing stuff about themselves too
That last one is a big thing that’s usually missing when it’s lovebombing because when someone is lovebombing, they are more focused on winning you over by catering to your experience… which feels nice, until you realize that you know very little about them and are rapidly growing your feelings for someone you don’t actually know. Ope!
What are the signs of lovebombing?
Things you might notice when being lovebombed:
The focus is all on you and it feels difficult to pin down who this person actually is.
The flattery starts right away and comes on strong.
They might act like money is no object.
You feel like you’re on a pedestal in their eyes.
They might share just enough about themselves to not be a complete mystery, but seem way more interested in learning about you than finding common ground or similarities.
They’re somewhat evasive about their own preferences, always trying to appease others or cater to your needs in a self-disregarding way.
Compliments seem a little excessive, shallow, or obvious (like thank you I know I’m gorgeous, but there are other parts of me that are good too…)
You might feel like you’ve known them for years when it’s only been a few weeks.
Whereas, here are some signs of a healthy start to something great:
You feel the bond growing more and more each time you see each other.
There’s no rush – you don’t hesitate to set a boundary or delay seeing them if needed.
You talk to each other consistently, but not with obsession or dependence. You both have your own things going on, and you’re happy to add them as a puzzle piece into your life.
You feel cared about and respected as a person, and you are finding that you care about and respect them in return.
You learn vulnerable details about them over time, feeling like they open up a bit more each time you talk.
They lead with curiosity about your life, asking questions when they want to know more, while respecting your personal limits of sharing.
You feel safe to express yourself and be yourself around them.
You delight in their presence and look forward to seeing them
You start to develop organic inside jokes with each other.
They tell you things that they like about you that are more than just surface-level compliments.
You feel comfortable attending a wide variety of events/functions/dates/scenes with them.
You’re not left wondering if they want to see you again.
Your mileage may vary. It’s important to note that some people might not check all the boxes on either list, and you might even see some overlap between the two lists.
How to avoid lovebombing?
Learn the signs.
Learn to tap into your intuition, and then learn to LISTEN to your intuition.
Ask yourself constantly what you know and like about this person.
See them for who they actually are and not just how good the chemistry is.
Keep a list of all the things that are just “whatever” about them. (i.e., Do not put them on a pedestal!)
Describe dates to your friends and ask them to give you reality checks.
If you have any doubts or if it feels too good to be true, try to go slower. Your person will stick around even if things move slowly, and you will display your confidence and self-worth in the meantime.
Ultimately, if you find yourself falling for lovebombing, don’t beat yourself up. We’ve all been there, and it feels good to feel good, so it’s only natural to enjoy it. But once it ends, you’re always going to find yourself back in reality.
Sometimes you won’t even know until afterwards with hindsight. You’ll look back and think, “Oh yeah, that wasn’t a natural build. That was out of character for two people who just met. The happy chemicals were blocking my view of reality.”
It’s not as important to label/identify someone as being “a lovebomber” or “a manipulator,” as it is to simply stay aware of the fact that a healthy relationship with lasting power will usually build slowly and securely over time, with genuine safety and comfort. You can literally feel the difference when you’ve experienced both types of builds.