When couples therapy is not an option
If your goal is to work on your relationship, you might be thinking about starting couples therapy. This can be a really beneficial tool to help your relationship, of course. It can improve your communication skills, encourage mutual growth, increase trust, rekindle intimacy… I could go on!
But what if your partner is not quite ready or willing to start therapy together? Can you go to therapy by yourself and still see an impact on your relationship? Let’s explore.
Just like everything else in life, relationships change over time.
This is a good thing. We do not need to fear change. Stagnancy is the real killer.
Right? If you were to start a relationship at 25 and insist that everything stay the same for the next 30 years, by the time you hit 55 you would be having the same meals, arguing about the same things, living in the same place, and struggling to maintain the same energy, conversations, sexual interactions, and date nights that you once had.
Nobody wants that!
Relationships thrive when we, as individuals, grow and adapt.
There are many ways to pursue healthy types of change, development, and growth. You can learn a new skill, travel, read, surround yourself with people who expand your worldview, journal your thoughts, connect with nature, deepen your spirituality or faith…
…or one of my personal favorites: go to therapy! (Not like I’m professionally biased or anything...)
So, lets say you've decided to dive into therapy as a method of personal growth – for the sake of embracing change and improving yourself. There is no doubt that this will have an effect on your relationship.
While couples therapy certainly has its perks and place, individual therapy can be wildly beneficial to your relationship as well. If at least one partner is changing, growing, developing, or otherwise “working on themselves,” then the relationship is benefitting.
The relationship can’t be stagnant if at least one partner is growing.
Even if only one branch of a tree grows, the whole tree will still look different.
Here are some benefits you can get from individual therapy (that will in turn help your relationship):
Process your past traumas and current personal struggles
Learn skills for managing your triggers, emotions, and stressors (which helps you own your part during hard talks with your partner)
Receive honest and empathetic feedback from an unbiased source
Increase your awareness and vocabulary surrounding mental health issues you might have
Learn tips and tools for communicating your needs and understanding your partner better
Relieve stress as you air your grievances in a safe space (which relieves your partner of this duty)
Ultimately, therapy will help you learn more about yourself and create a better relationship with yourself, which will help you show up more authentically in your relationship. And that’s (usually) a good thing! If being more authentic is what leads to the end of a relationship, then frankly, maybe that’s a blessing because who wants to be in a relationship where you have to show up inauthentically?
Disclaimer / Now that I’ve said all that:
It’s important to remember that every relationship is a dynamic; or a “system” that exists between two different people and cannot exist without both parts. You cannot “fix” a relationship on your own, and you cannot be the only one willing to work or improve.
If you are seeing tons of growth and your partner is motionless, then that is something to pay attention to and start a dialogue about. If your partner thinks that you are the sole “problem” in the relationship and they are perfect, then you might be in a one-way relationship. This would also be something you could discuss with your therapist (or start therapy to discuss).
Either way, getting into individual therapy is a great way to jump-start the path to change!