Four things to do during breakups that aren’t “go No Contact”

The only thread of hope that seems to exist during a breakup is the inkling, “Maybe we could get back together…”

And the loudest piece of advice you’ll hear during a breakup is, “Don’t talk to your ex. Start to move on by blocking them and erasing all their pics from your phone.”

This is simultaneously the best and worst advice because it can honestly be extremely helpful in the moving on process, but it also extracts that miniscule shred of hope from your brain, which you might be leaning into harder than you want to admit as your sole source of solace during the depths of your despair.

So instead of telling you to go No Contact, here are some different tips for surviving, or – dare I say – THRIVING after a breakup, while keeping hope alive.

Take 15-20 min daily walks in nature.

Yes, my first tip is to move your body. But don’t get caught up in the idea that you need to “go hard or go home” when it comes to exercise. Any movement at all is great, and doing it outside will get you bonus points. Fresh air, blood circulation, and different things to look at besides the section of your couch where you wish your ex was sitting. This is all good stuff. Plus, sunshine gives you vitamin D, and walking is a way to calm your nervous system, which can help level out your mood.

Shop on the outside edges of the store.

If you can, try to reduce and/or skip the packaged and overly processed foods during your grieving period, and instead, make sure you’re eating enough whole foods to nourish your body with vitamins. I’m not here to vilify some good old fashioned ice cream therapy, but you know that sooner or later your body will be craving nutrition. Get ahead of the curve and be good to your body as soon as you can! Getting vitamins and minerals (micronutrients) helps your brain function (which helps your body function), which may naturally increase the amount of feel-good chemicals that you make for yourself (instead of wishing they were coming from your ex).

Stop drinking alcohol.

I’m not trying to be a buzzkill, but I do recommend that you kill your need for a buzz. There are many reasons to stop drinking alcohol (especially during an emotional time when you don’t need any more ammo to convince yourself to send a few risky texts), but my ultimate reason here is that alcohol ruins your sleep. It interrupts your REM cycle and detracts from the quality healing time that takes place during some solid Z’s. Sleep is your best friend when healing (emotionally and physically). It sets you up for success the next day, it regenerates important biological processes and chemical compounds, and it is yours to protect. This is one boundary that you can be in charge of. Embrace that! You may not be able to predict or control the outcome of this breakup, but you can definitely determine how much sleep you will get and how sober you are during the process.

Make lists.

This is the fun one. Right now there’s probably a highlight reel of Good Times With My Ex running through your head. That time we got caught in a rainstorm with no umbrellas. That time we had the beach all to ourselves. That time when I actually saw them cry and it was a special bonding moment. STOP.

If you stop thinking about those moments, I promise they won’t disappear, so don’t worry about that. But right now, your number one protective factor will be to think about the Bad Times. There’s a reason you two broke up, and nobody’s perfect, so allow yourself to make two lists here:

1) All the things your ex did that bothered you. The small icks. The big issues. Everything between. This is your private list, and you’re not hurting anybody (as long as you don’t make a Burn Book about it and spread it all over the school). Maybe type them into your Notes app on your phone so that you can reference them anytime you go into Fasntasyland where your ex seems perfect.

2) All the things you want in your next partner. At the very beginning of a breakup, this might seem impossible because unless the next person is an exact replica or clone of your ex then you might not want them, so feel free to start small. Add something every day until you have a sizable list. The point is to give you something to look forward to and another small shred of hope that you could one day find someone who will fill this ex-sized hole in your heart.

All of these are in service of the face that I want you to feel better. I want you to do well. Do and look and function and recover so well that…

1. You have something to focus on besides your ex, who let you go

2. You position yourself to find someone else quickly, if that’s what you want

3. You love yourself even more than you already did

4. If your ex sees you they will RUE the day they ended things ;)

5. You make lemonade out of these lemons. Nothin’ tastier than breakup lemonade.

And in the end, while you may have been keeping hope alive, you might even find that your feelings faded away because you were keeping such good care of yourself that you no longer yearn for your ex to make you feel taken care of!

Good luck with the breakup; they’re complicated and messy and scary and all the rest of the emotions. I’m here to talk about it with you if you’d like! 

If you fall in the camp of people who just want to get back together and don’t want to break up, I hope the above tips help to pass some time while you grieve and hope for the best. 

But if you want some someone to tell you to stop hoping for the best and move on already, I do have an article about that too. When you’re ready.