What to do when your partner isn’t a mind reader

Sometimes, couples will come in to session in the midst of an ongoing silent treatment that started earlier in the week. After some rehashing and hearing both perspectives, it’s revealed that the fight and subsequent shut-out was caused by this scenario:

Person A did something that Person B thought was wrong.

Person A doesn’t believe that what they did was totally wrong. They may know that it upset B, but they’re not sure why exactly.

Person B is shutting out A because they think that A should just know that what they did was wrong.

Person B is not interested in “helping” A understand or fix the situation because they think that A should just know how to fix it.

Person B justifies the silent treatment by reciting “If they wanted to they would” over and over.

Here’s the thing:

It’s hard to know the right thing to do.

In fact, rarely is there a “right” choice in any given situation.

There may be a “better” choice or a “more fair” choice, but those are subjective terms, so that doesn’t mean that one is “right” or “wrong.”

This is one of the hardest parts about being in a relationship: You won’t always agree with each other on what’s right or wrong.

Here’s another thing:

If you and your partner are committed to working on your relationship, rarely is there a time when one person does something with the direct and explicit intent of doing wrong towards the other person.

This applies to any type of relational dynamic – romantic, platonic, familial, and even the one between you and the person who works at the DMV. (though that one does seem malicious at times, doesn’t it?)

What we usually need to implement in order to break the silent treatment is two things:

Compassion and Communication

These can be hard to conjure up when you’re stewing over a perceived slight against you, but  here are some helpful steps to take in your efforts:

Step One: Assume positive intent.

Repeat after me: My partner is not trying to hurt me, and they are not a bad person trying to do bad things.

Step Two: Don’t personalize.

Their behavior is not about you. Most of us are just going about our day trying to avoid pain or pursue pleasure. This is all based on our own needs and desires.'

Step Three: Remember that everyone sees the world differently.

Take a second to imagine how they view the situation, and if you can’t imagine it, then ASK them what their perspective is.

Step Four: Communicate.

Clearly verbalize your feelings, needs, perspective, and requests. They’re not a mind reader! It doesn’t matter how long you have been together. You will never be the same person with the same eyes and brain.

The key to preventing these occurrences in the future is: Don’t assume that someone else knows what to do in every situation.

Allow some grace for your fellow humans to human.

If they knew what to do, wouldn’t they do it?

Give your partner an idea of what you’re hoping to receive from them. A little direction goes a long way.